I’ll Speak On It…

It’s always nice to catch a muse.

I say that because as I was sitting here last night wondering what the hell I could possibly blog about, I kept coming up short. I had no idea what to write about, nor how to write about it, but…alas…the Boondocks came to the rescue. Now typically, Boondocks episodes (at least in the past) were all about the humor. With the dawn of the third season, it was pretty evident that Aaron MacGruder had plans to put a message in each of his episodes, even if it was initially masked by humor. In the “Red Ball” episode, it was about how China pretty much owns the U.S. In the “It’s a Black President, Huey Freeman” episode, it was pretty much about how everyone expected our President to basically be Jesus without realizing that politics is still a process. In this episode, he tackled a topic that few people talk about, and even fewer are willing to admit about themselves: insecurity.

Ah, the elephant in the room named insecurity. Everybody knows it’s there, but no one wants to acknowledge its presence. It’s funny to me how in my own life and in the lives of those that I’m privy to be a part of, how much insecurity runs rampant. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the most secure person on the planet, and I would be a liar and a fraud to sit and say that I’ve always got it together, and I’m always confident in what I do. What I will say is that I’ve gotten a hell of a lot better at how I approach and handle things. I guess it’s coming with maturity, or maybe I’m just tired of doing the same thing to get the same results. Either way…I’ve made some changes, and eventually, the fruits of my changes will show.

Take the progression of the episode for reference points about insecurity. Grandad had gone through crazy relationship after ridiculous situation all back to back, and had gotten to the point where he was just done. Deleted the Facebook account and had basically given up on women as a whole. Who can really sit here and say that they haven’t had that type of a moment? I know for damn sure I have, and I am pretty certain it’ll happen to me again. Blame it on my personality. Then…he came across someone new. Completely random encounter, and decided that he wanted to pursue it, even after she completely broke all of the “rules” by asking him out on a date. As he was getting to know her, everyone around him was questioning the situation. Everyone. Huey and Riley were telling him he needed to give it a rest, Uncle Ruckus did everything to try and get them to stop talking…all because of his past. All because of the women he had dealt with before he met the woman (named Ebony Brown). But, Grandad kept going, and kept spending time with Ebony. Once things were really going good, he got scared. Scared that things were about to fall apart. So he consulted his grandkids for advice on what to do, and he decides to make drastic changes to himself in order to see if she’ll stick around for the long haul. Once he did that, he got paranoid, got in a fight with a man that wasn’t even paying her any attention, and she stopped calling. For 16 hours. Because she went overseas with her company to help aid in the typhoon. During that time period, Grandad called her 137462389437 times, left voicemails and texts, and eventually got on a plane and flew to Malaysia to chase after her. After he did all of that…she told him he was moving too fast and it would just be best that they not speak anymore.

Now I did all of that recap of the episode to make a few points…the main point being don’t let your past dictate your future. There is nothing wrong with letting the events of your past influence the choices you make in the future, but please don’t let the past run your life. I’m not saying that I have never called the past into my present; hell, if you’ve ever heard me have a conversation while I’m going through something, the past comes up. But in the same token, I don’t and I won’t let it completely take over my life. Without getting too personal on this here blog, here within the last 7 months, I completely overhauled the way I approached situations. Before this last situation, I was extra clingy…always wanted to be up under a guy, always wanted to talk to him all day, always had to ask a million and one questions of where we were going and what we were doing. Needless to say, none of those panned out. Now, with this last situation, I did almost the complete opposite. Basically, I fell back. Didn’t ask a whole lot of questions, didn’t really cling, etc. Needless to say, that didn’t pan out either. Does it hurt my feelings? Yep, sure does, cuz I thought this situation would have been something. But…what I refuse to do…is sit and let this situation that I thought was going to go well deter me from situations in the future. No matter how many thoughts I have of how I thought it was going to go different, or how many wishes I had that it didn’t end up the way it is now, I can’t let this one event keep me from experiencing happiness in the future. Do endings make you doubt the future? Of course they do! I would be a liar to sit here and say that in recent memory I haven’t sat here and said that I’m just tired of trying with men and I don’t want to be bothered because I said it. Multiple times. But…I can’t ever expect to grow if I always hold on to the transgressions of my past…As a friend of mine says, “you get it wrong til you get it right…” Maybe if I really started looking at that for real in the realm of relationships, I’d have a lot more fun dealing with people…

Self-sabotage may be one of the biggest killers of relationships, right up there with a lack of communication and lack of trust. It’s one of the biggest demons I face whenever I get into a situation with someone new. To be honest, it’s hard to think that something good will happen to you if you’ve always been surrounded by bad luck. Hope is probably the hardest thing to maintain, because it’s so easily dashed, especially when you’ve just gotten it back. It is my goal for my own life to not sabotage situations before they get a chance to play out. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned in 2010 is to let things be as they will. However it’s supposed to play out, it will; doubting yourself will only lead to the exact opposite of the result you truly desire.

I never thought I’d be this introspective and reflective due to a cartoon…but that’s the power of the Boondocks…

So to all of you reading, let me ask you this: Are you really secure in yourself and in your relational dealings? Or are you just “fakin it til you make it?” How has insecurity played a role in the success or the demise of your relationships? Are you currently in a situation with someone who is insecure/you’re insecure about yourself or how things are going? Share, spill, give feedback…

Til next time, folks…

in the rotation…

First off, it’s rare for me to have two posts right back to back of one another. Even more rare that I’ve found time to actually sit and write anything. Seeing as how I’m a professional procrastinator, and I have like a bajillion other things to do, I seem to never have time to actually sit and write down what I want to say. I’ve toyed with the idea of several other topics, but I thought this one would be the most appropriate to discuss, seeing as how I’m relationship-oriented (had you figured that one out yet?) The topic of the “dating rotation” came up in conversation between one of my male friends and I as he was giving me some perspective on some things going on in my life. What he mentioned is that in his particular dating situations, he sometimes would have a rotation of of girls in his life, and that he would have them to call, or go out with, or kick it with, or what have you..he coined it the rotation. Now, I decided to go to my other friends and see what they thought about the notion that people have rotations when they’re dating, and I honestly got some pretty good feedback. Everyone I asked agreed that it’s natural for people to date more than one person at the same time, but one person didn’t think that everyone did it. I tend to agree with that person, simply because I’m a self-proclaimed bad dater.

But I digress. Do I think people have rotations? Yeah, I do…I’ve had a rotation back in my day…it wasn’t for a long time, and it wasn’t a whole lot of people, but I was talking to more than one person at once. Do I do it so much now? No, but I’m starting to think I probably should. As it was brought up in my social survey, it’s a good way to meet people and a good way to determine who suitable mates could be. Keep people around long enough, and you’ll eventually see who’s there for you and who’s not. I think the problem comes in when either a) sex is introduced into the rotation with more than one person or b) ninjas just decide to get greedy and want every member of the rotation to be on the same level. I’m personally of the subscription that sleeping with your entire rotation does nothing but make you look a) like a ho and b) like you have no idea what you want other than sex. If that’s all you want, then you have to be upfront with the people you’re dating/talking to, and let them know. I think honesty is one of the biggest components of having successful dating circles, and I think it’s one of the components that’s used the least in my opinion. When people get greedy, it leaves the potential for everyone to think that they’re number 1 if they’re being treated like number 1, when there may not even be any numbers at all…(again, I digress). If people get greedy in their rotations, feelings get involved, people get hurt, and it’s just all around a bad situation in my opinion. It could all be avoided with simple conversation, but sometimes those conversations are the hardest to have, ya know?

So to my blog readers out there, I pose some questions. Do/Have you had a rotation? If so, how did it work out for you? Do you think this “definition” of dating is just simply the same as regular ol’ dating or is having a rotation different? Have you ever found a full-fledged relationship from one of the members of your rotation?

Food for thought people…until next time…

Happy Father’s Day…

Since this is my own personal blog, I figured it would only make sense to remain completely honest on here. I can be honest in admitting that Fathers Day really isn’t my favorite day of the year. Call me cynical, call me emotional, call me whatever you will, but I’m not a fan. Not because I’m bitter or unappreciative of my father, because that’s totally not the case. It’s actually the polar opposite of that. In all honesty, this day just makes me sad. In July of this year, it will be 7 years since I lost my father to cancer. Seven years?!?! Truth be told, I have my moments where it feels like yesterday. Days like today are the hardest because they’re the days I should be spending with him. Where I should be taking the little piece of change I have to take him out to dinner, or to see some live music, or to do whatever the hell he wanted to do. Knowing what i know now, I’d kill for those moments back. I think reasons why his birthday, Christmas. Thanksgiving, today, and the anniversary of his passing are so difficult for me is because I feel like I didn’t do enough with him while he was here. I’m a product of divorce, so legally I couldn’t see him but maybe twice a week, but there are just moments where I feel like I could have done more…I’m sure if he was sitting next to me reading this while I typed, he would be ready to slap me because he would say that I did the best I could given the circumstances and he knew I loved him…too bad I don’t always feel like that…

I say all that to say a couple of things…first, those of you that still have your fathers here on Earth…no matter how tragic the situation, no matter how bitter you may be, no matter how much he may deserve it…just take a moment and either tell him Happy Fathers Day or thank God that he’s still walking the Earth…and in turn, thank God for the suitable male replacements He put into your life. I’m a firm believer that if He takes a person in a particular position away from you, there is usually someone waiting in the wings to fill the same role in some capacity. I would be absolutely ecstatic to have one more hug, one more phone call, one more sound of his voice, one more mention of how proud he was, one more dinner, one more argument….just one more minute, hour, or day…

I also say that to say that if anyone reading my blog happens to BE a father, please don’t shirk on your responsibility. A father’s love is truly and honestly irreplaceable. My mother couldn’t and can’t do for me what my father could…if you’ve been tapped by God to receive the blessing known as children, please don’t take it lightly, and recognize that it is indeed a blessing. Your kids need you more than you think they do. To those fathers that are there as they should be, you’re greatly appreciated, and I hope I’m not the only one that’s told you that today….

With all that being said…I’m sending kisses up to Heaven with my father’s name on them…I miss him more than words can describe, and more than my pride will ever let me show, but I hope that I am making him proud down here. Attached to my kisses are prayers for the future father of my children, whoever and wherever he may be…between God and my dad, he has big shoes to fill, but I already have the faith that he will be exactly the type of father to my children that they need him to be and that they will love and appreciate him just as I do my own…

Kids, go love on your dad…dads, go love on your kids…Happy Fathers Day…

It’s Been A Long Time Coming…

I know I have been away from this blog for a long time now…and I know I need to do better with that, and eventually I will. I just had to come back to say one thing:

I HAVE A FULL TIME JOB NOW! PRAISE THE LORD!

I know it may seem insignificant to those of you that have been in the workforce for a while, but I have literally been looking for a job for a year since I graduated from college. Every corner I turned, I got told no…either I wouldn’t get an interview, or for whatever reason, the company would go with another candidate. I FINALLY got the call back on Friday that said I was verbally offered a position. If I’m to be 100% honest here, I can admit that I went in my mom’s room and cried when I heard the news. Not because I was sad, but because I could finally feel the weight of the world lifting off of my shoulders.

I know it’s going to be a lot of work in front of me…now with working full time, working 2 other part time jobs (not every day, but you get my drift), going back to school full time come August, and trying to start my own dreams and get them lifted off of the ground…I know my time management skills are going to get a complete overhaul, and my patience and endurance will be tested…but there is no great reward without hard work, so…I’m ready for the challenge. If the load gets to be too much, I can always defer my dreams…a dream deferred is not a dream denied, I’ll just have to wait until I am in a better place to work on them.

All that being said, I am so so so grateful to God for blessing me with this opportunity. Admittedly, I’m a little nervous; this is my first full time job, and I hope I have what it takes to do the job well, and not mess up. I’m eager to get started and eager to learn as much as I can to go along with my degree as well as learning more about how life in an office really is. I’m also grateful to have such amazing friends that have had my back throughout this entire process. Whether it was financially supporting me through tough times, hopping on my back to make sure I filled out job applications, critiquing my resume and cover letter, hooking me up with potential job opportunities, or just passing on encouraging words when I was completely discouraged, I have to say THANK YOU. You have no idea how thankful I am to have people like you in my life, and how much it means to me that you have been in my corner throughout this entire process. I love each and every one of you, and I just hope I have the opportunity to repay you at some point.

Well…since I have to get on a sleep schedule now, I’ll bring this blog to a close…I have to get up early tomorrow! 🙂

Am I Capable? Hmm…*Food For Thought*

Yeah, I know I’ve been away from this blog thing for a little while…but that’s what happens when you procrastinate and decide to do term papers at the absolute last minute…gotta love grad school! I’ve had some time to sit and think about what I wanted my next topic to be, and in the same vein as most of my life, I decided to focus on relationships. (Is anyone surprised?)

Over the last few weeks, I’ve been having this recurring thought. I was having a conversation with some of my co-workers a couple days back, and we all came to the conclusion that this is the point in life where a lot of people our age are starting to get engaged, married, or have children. When you really sit back and think about it, all three of those things are major life events. All of them signify major changes in a person’s life, and all of them signify joining with another human being to create a life. Whether it be through marriage or through the birth of a child, whatever action is taken to get to that event leads you to be joined to that person for the rest of your life. That person will always be your fiancé (or ex fiancé), husband/wife (or ex husband or wife), or the parent of your child.

As if ya’ll didn’t already know that.

I say all that to pose a question to myself. Am I really capable of being somebody’s wife/mother? Like really, when you sit back and think of what the concepts of marriage and parenthood are, and what it really takes to be good at one or both…can I really do that? I would like to think that I’m capable. I know right now, I’m not. There are some things that I have to work on before I walk down anybody’s aisle or lay up in a hospital and have anybody’s baby. I know there are things about myself that I must work on, and there are things I have to make better about myself before I can join my whole person with someone else’s whole person.

It just boggles my mind to really wrap my mind around the concept of being with one person for the rest of my life. Not to say that I am against that, because anyone that knows me, knows I’m not against that. In fact, it’s one of the things that’s going on my vision board (don’t judge me). I just wonder if I’m capable of being what they need me to be when they need me to be it…

If you subscribe to the faith that God puts people in your life that meet you where you are, and that the person you ultimately end up with is the one that God had meant for you, then this all works out how it’s supposed to in the end. I subscribe to that faith, I just wonder what I need to do in order to ensure that my future is prosperous, blessed, and all that. Just thinking about the concept of marriage and about parenthood boggles my mind…I guess it’s one of those things you kinda just figure out as you go along…*shrug*

Until next time, folks!

Fear…(No Drizzy Though…)

For the first time in a long time today, I actually sat and had a conversation with one of my best friends. Both of us have been really really busy over the last few weeks; her with starting a new job, me with the wear and tear of grad school and the job that I have now. Without divulging too much of her business, one of the topics that came up in the midst of our conversation was fear. Now, I feel like fear is one of those things that comes up in a lot of different aspects of life…it’s not limited to relationships, although I think fear is a large factor in why some people don’t take full advantage (in the good way of course) of people that come in and out of their lives.

I digress.

Talking to her about fear, and seeing a question posed on Twitter that caused me to say that fear was the answer to it caused it to take the forefront in my mind for the day today. I sat and thought about what throughout my lifetime I haven’t done…not because I wasn’t capable of it, or not because I would have failed miserably, but simply because I was scared. How many educational opportunities, social opportunities, relational opportunities did I miss out on because of fear? To put it lightly, the answer is a lot. Looking back, especially over my collegiate career, there were a lot of things that I could have, and in some respects should have, done that I didn’t do because I was scared. How different could my life be if I had just faced my fears head on and taken some of the challenges presented to me?

High risk, high reward, right?

Granted, I’m sure I wouldn’t be in some of the positions I’m in now…I wouldn’t know some of the people I know, probably wouldn’t be in the academic program I’m in now…probably wouldn’t even be living in the same state right now, but…it boggles my mind to sit and think about how different some things in my life could be if I threw caution to the wind, stared my fears in the face, and just confronted them.

There are plenty of things I’m afraid of to this day…I’m sure over the course of this blog, some of the things I’m afraid of will become apparent. I’m also certain that there are some things that I don’t even know that I’m scared of that are waiting to reveal themselves at the most inopportune time possible. Hopefully, I can take some of the lessons I’ve learned thus far and not be so scared to do the things I want to do and to truly pursue the things that I know I am capable of and that I feel like I deserve to experience.

Shrug.

That being said about me, what are some of your fears? Do you think fear can ever be rational? Or do you feel like fear is something people hide behind to shortchange themselves in the long run (whether consciously or subconsciously)? Feel free to share your thoughts, I’m always eager to hear (read) how people feel.

Until next time…

Ungrateful Mofos!

This day has been a long day coming…I used to have other blog posts written up here, but I decided to erase them from cyberspace. I just wasn’t feelin em, and wasn’t feelin where my blog was heading. It was a tad too personal, (by personal, I mean I had a tad too many of my actual feelings on here lol) and wasn’t going where I wanted it to go, so I pretty much decided to start over. It wasn’t until my TBF quit Twitter for Lent and decided to start blogging that I decided to pick it back up again (shoutout to my TBF, go read her blog too!) There have been situations and thoughts that have been in my mind for a while now that I think need to be spoken on, and what better medium than Blogger to get some of these thoughts out and to see what other people have to say about things, if they have anything to say at all (lol).

If anyone reading this has ever spent any amount of time around me, or have had a couple of conversations with me, they will be certain that I am mostly relationship-driven. Whether it be developing, maintaining, or creating friendships, I’m always based in relationships. I don’t know if it’s the Libra in me, or the woman in me, or if it has something to do with how I was raised, and my constant desire to want to be close to those around me, but I am always based in relationships. Now…it’s a known fact that I’m single. I’ve been single for a long time now, and I honestly just got comfortable with myself as a young, single, African American woman. And quite frankly, I’m happy being single. I’m genuinely happy with getting to know and love myself and to finally become comfortable with who I am as a person and as a woman, and to get comfortable with what I want out of my life. That being said, I won’t sit here and lie and say that the thought of a relationship never crosses my mind. I’d be a damn lie if I said that, so I won’t. Is it at the forefront of my mind like it used to be? Absolutely not, and I refuse to go back to that ever again, because I don’t like the person I am when relationships and expectations of people are at the front of my mind.

I digress.

With all that being said, I have to delve into what really grinds my gears. Since I’m not in a relationship, I tend to pay attention to people that are. Sorry. If you’re in a relationship, chances are, I’m observing you. I’m not only looking to see what aspects of your relationship I want to take into my own if I am so blessed as to get into one any time soon, but I am also looking at what I don’t want to take. There are things that I see in relationships around me that I honestly appreciate and enjoy. I like seeing people that respect each other, enjoy each other, and make each other happy. Honestly, that makes me smile :o). Now all that extra mushy, let’s kiss on each other every 5 seconds thing…not for me, please save it or get a hotel room lol. It’s really refreshing, especially to see people my age that genuinely know what it means to appreciate the person that they’re with and enjoy who they’re with. That being said, what grinds my gears is the people that don’t. Like…c’mon son. If you’ve got someone that you’re with, or even someone who you’re talking to, please please don’t take them for granted. There are people out here that actually want to be in relationships that aren’t in them, so if you’re so blessed as to be in one, why not enjoy it?! If you’re with somebody…like…enjoy them! Listen to them when they talk! Go out and have fun with them! Support their dreams! Be there for them when things are good AND when things are bad! Take care of them (please take that as you will…)! Respect them, cherish them, love on them, hug them, kiss them, offer up back massages, cook them dinner…I mean damn, there are at least 17 more ways I can put up here to enjoy the person that you’re in a situation or a relationship with and to make them feel good about themselves, but apparently people are missing the memo. There is nothing that I hate more as a single person than to see good people in horrible ass relationships. Scratch that. There is nothing that I hate more as a single person than to see good people in mediocre relationships. Mediocrity just irritates me in every aspect of life, so relationships are no different. I get especially irritated because I know I’m a good person and capable of providing a good relationship (Or am I?…), so it irritates the SHYT out of me to see people going through things that don’t have to be as bad as they are.

I digress again.

The point of that entire thesis up there was basically to say this: If you’re in a relationship/situation, enjoy the person you’re with. Tell em you love em (but only if you really do, no sense in lying…), enjoy their company, talk to them, and really get to know the one you’re with. If you’re not in a relationship/situation (like me), take notes! Experience is the best teacher, but there’s nothing wrong with taking notes on other people’s situations to not have to make the same mistakes as our friends! Feel free to leave notes, comments, feedback…whatever. Or if you just wanna read and take what you will from it, that’s fine too…

Until next time…